When my son was born, It was by emergency C section at 25 weeks after a truly terrifying pregnancy of hemorrhaging daily, and ending up in the hospital on bed rest hooked up to a billion IVs because my placenta could abrupt at any second.. Not the peaceful water birth I had envisioned in the beginning. My son was born at 25 weeks, weighing 1 lb 13 oz. He was on oxygen and there were some scary moments during the 3 months we stayed in the Nicu. From the very beginning all I wanted to do was hold him 24 hours a day. Luckily we were at a hospital that preached extreme Kangaroo Care, so we were skin to skin sometimes 12 hours a day. From the beginning I noticed a euphoria that would come over me as I held him. Him, so tiny with tons of wires, the size of a squirrel. Whenever that euphoria would wash over me, he would make these little kitten noises like he could feel the love wash over him. I was convinced I was experiencing what new moms do- oxytocin overload, and that he was responding to it, because it’s a hormone. I had read something (all I did in the Nicu was read about preemies and pump breastmilk) I read about oxytocin receptors and mice , and I don’t even remember the study. I remember being excited and talking about it. So I started doing it more, paying attention to that feeling and cultivating it. He always responded. The feeling was a physical feeling almost like a welling up- like I was about to sneeze or cry from happiness- it’s a weird feeling at first. I let it well up in me where my whole body can feel it, then I focus it on him. Anyways he’s addicted to it now at four and can’t fall asleep if I don’t I can’t just lay down with him- I have to send serious white light then he purrs himself to sleep .. At first I called it Oxytocin, then I started imbuing the feeling with healing light energy, I called it Drawing Down the Moon in my head. Then I stumbled across this meditation practice called Kundalini Yoga Meditation where the teachers give you Shaktipat. And that, well, is hard to explain. To me, and one other person I knew personally it was oh, like special effects. The teachers would literally become many other people, animals, gods and goddesses. My Teacher regularly turned into Ganesh. Again, nobody else saw what I saw that I know of except one other woman who became and still is my friend. Some saw vague lights, eventually you felt it too- shooting through your body like euphoric, really fast, gentle electricity. It was very addictive. There was a lot more to this practice, and a whole philosophy and it involves my guru: Rudi, Rudranada, who though I don’t go meditate with his statue anymore, I swear he changed my life- but it’s all just such a weird story… the first time I went I had no idea what it was, my friend Wendy just talked me into it. It was February in Portland (a notoriously grey and depressing time) when I was going to Home Depot every day buying more lights or seeds in anticipation of planting season. So I went to something called Kundalini Meditation. You had to sit perfectly still (like a statue) and do this special breathing and stare into the teachers eyes the whole time. She sat in front of a 500 year old Tonka. I knew zero about Eastern philosophy aside reading the Mahabharata and Siddhartha and having a basic knowledge of Hindu Deities. I went through a time in my life when I dreamt of Ganesh lots and in fact that’s how I found out who he was, researching a baby white elephant with colorful tattoos that I dreamt I gave birth to. Back to meditation. When I walked into the room I was struck by a large bronze statue of a serious looking bald man with a big Buddha belly in lotus position. Also a low table with many pictures of gurus in robes, some pictures were obviously taken in the 40’s or before. There were men and women. On the wall there were large pictures of the statue guy and another Indian guy, in a white loin cloth. He looked a bit startled by the camera. Nityanada. He looked unwordly. His eyes looked more animal than human and I instantly believed he was enlightened. I won’t go too much into the meditation or the dynamic of the group or teachers out of respect and out of the desire to not make it weird, lol.
So first time there I sat down and we began and this woman immediately changed form before my eyes and became an old little Buddhist monk with a Mohawk. Then she turned into the people whose pictures were on the table, and eventually she turned into the statue guy- whose name I had found out was Rudranada, or Rudi. I’m a witch so I knew what I saw.. I thought I knew what I saw. I figured That these people coming through taught their pupils how to channel so that they could come back through them. I felt wary. After the meditation ended She asked if anyone had any questions. I raised my hand and said, “Did ya’ll SEE that? That was TRIPPY!” and everyone just laughed and I went home and googled Rudranada. Then read his Wiki page… and cried. Sobbed, no reason why, no clue. Weird af. I felt so connected to him, I felt he was so beautiful and that he loved me and would take care of me… again, so weird. I am and always have been a witch who believes in everything and nothing and never ever has had or desired monogamy or discipline when it comes to Religon. I was always a Catholic, Vodou, Pagan, random Deities, a mix too varied to try to name.
I learned what I was getting from meditation is called Shaktipat. “Shaktipat or Śaktipāta (Sanskrit, from shakti - "(psychic) energy" - and pāta, "to fall") refers in Hinduism to the conferring of spiritual "energy" upon one person by another. Shaktipat can be transmitted with a sacred word or mantra, or by a look, thought or touch – the last usually to the ajna chakra or third eye of the recipient.
It was amazing!! Amazing. The things I felt and saw!! (my arms would glow like the surface of the moon, and other meditators could see it!) and I could meditate for 60 minutes no problem and I would realize enormous beauty and truths during my meditations. I met the main Teacher, and loved him- he was Rudi’s pupil and he turned into Ganesh every time he gave Shaktipat. He lives in New York but would fly all over giving workshops and and talks. I went 3 times a week to meditation and always brought flowers from my garden (Rudi got almost every rose I grew last summer) and that was a weird thing I noticed, I found myself buying Rose everything- Rose essential oil, Rose body oil, a guy in meditation gave me Rose tea, … Later that night I realized something huge. Rudi was giving me roses!! Rudi loved me and was reciprocating. I realized then, as I do now, how utterly crazy that sounds, but some things you just know. The next day during meditation when the teacher was giving me Shaktipat t a handful of Rose petals that were on Nityanada’s picture on the wall fell onto the Rudi statues head. I knew I was right and this powerful Being loved me. I kept going to meditation until I could raise the Shakti by myself at home, and this is what shocked me. I went for 6 months and found out I not only did I already know how to do it , how to give Shakti, but was already giving it to my son since he was born, giving it to him every night as he falls asleep. It’s the euphoric love that as a tiny preemie hooked up to machines- he responded to. Its Divine Love. Shakti, Kundalini, Divine Feminine Energy. I know how to raise it at will and key is expanding the heart- opening your emerald heart chakra while keeping your attention on your sacral chakra. It’s love, it’s all love. Twice in my life while meditating I’ve felt this exactly: An enormous warm comforting presence that fills my heart and mind and soul with almost a yelling of “YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU”. Twice, that’s happened and left me in tears of gratitude and wonderment. So maybe the moral of this story is just When Witches meditate, crazy shit happens. This is the Shakti I talk about infusing my rituals with. I raise it during my Moon Circles with all those beautiful women whom I love, and while reading Tarot, any Ritual work, or Candle Magick or Root work. It’s a divine tingling that goes into every jar, everything I love. Shakti. Seek out Shakti in your life. The Divine Feminine is something this world needs more of .